Falling in love

Ours was a casual, on-again, off-again relationship. I “inherited” Christian duty from my parents. I obeyed, attended church faithfully, and studied the Bible in order to make good grades in school. It all had a sensible ring to it, but it was shallow and unfulfilling.

Not until I was on my own did I realize that I needed more. But time marched on as I gained a husband and family and all the busyness of life. We were complete, all of us together. Life was good.

I tried to be a loving, responsible mother. My children would always be safe on my watch. Their needs came before mind. Always. They grew into adulthood and left our nest empty, which took some getting used to and not without some tears along the way.

It never occurred to me that I might be forced to give one of them up . . . a seed I grew in my belly that I watched develop into manhood? Who would demand such a thing?

Oh there were the car-accident worries every parent has that comes as an attachment to a teen’s driver’s license. But when nothing happened within the first few months I dared to let out a sigh of relief.

So nothing. Absolutely nothing could have prepared me for the unthinkable. Never would I have thought about suicide. Never. But it happened and it changed all of us forever. It was a life-changing trauma – a horrific tragedy with absolute crushing, heart-smashing pain. I have written descriptive words before, but there are always more, and more and still more.

I was too mute, too wasted, and in too much throbbing pain to wonder where God was in all of this. I hadn’t really wondered seriously about our relationship . . . assuming we had one and it was okay. But suddenly I hated God. I hated Him with all the rage within the core of my being.

HOW DARE HE TAKE MY CHILD! How dare He let such a thing happen when He had all the power to stop him, but He didn’t. Why not? WHY NOT??

No answers. Only questions. We could query the vastness of the Internet all we wanted, but we would never have answers. There are none.

It took time before I began to realize that God had never left me or my family alone. No matter how long the tunnel of grief, He will walk by our sides, holding our hands, arms around our shoulders, carrying us mile after mile if need be and always whispering His promises in our ears when we are ready to hear His soft voice speak:

My Children,

Behold I come quickly and every eye shall see Me . . . Revelation 1:7.

Everyone will see Me with their own eyes and that means your whole family, including the ones who have been asleep in death. Please hold on to Me . . . and don’t give up. Hold on.

Yes, Lord. I will hold on to You and cling to Your precious promises. You are teaching me anew day by day, and I am – perhaps for the first time ever – truly falling in love with You.

from Shattered by Suicide

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