More on . . . How it felt to lose my child

I am barely scratching the surface of suicide loss, but I am sure you can still relate. We each have our own stories to share and we will never touch bottom no matter how many times we describe the feelings and emotions of our horrific losses. A lifetime of conversations and there would still be more. In my estimation it is this way because death is evil. Suicide is the work of an evil, hideous monster. Keep this in the back of your mind as you read my stories and express your own thoughts here or elsewhere.

I prayed for hours until the suspicion was confirmed. Did heaven not hear me? God, did you fail me? He did not answer my prayer, at least not in the way I wanted Him to. How can I describe the pain that exploded in my heart? I might as well have held a stick of dynamite between my teeth, lit it on fire and blown myself to smithereens, sending bits of flesh for miles in all directions. I had no solid ground, no bearings and I hurt more than I had ever hurt in my entire life!

I screamed until there was no more sound. I was numb from head to toe. I was in so much physical agony I felt as if my heart had burst. Shock was fast on the heels of numbness. My mind rebelled. I reeled back and forth in absolute disbelief. How could this happen? No! No! No! Not my son! I pressed my face to the carpet and begged God for His mercy.                            

Remember King David?  He cried out for his dead son, Absalom:  “O my son, Absalom – my son, my son!  If only I had died in your place!”              2 Samuel 18:33

I understood his words now.  Face down before my God, I begged Him to take me.  How could I live?  I wanted to die!  And like King David, I wailed in agony, “Why, oh why couldn’t it have been me instead of him?”

Our story is not the first and won’t be the last.  Other families, who cope with suicide loss or other tragedies, may find that a sibling or close friend “copycats” the death.  The ripple effect of devastation can be unending.  And the enemy of our souls gleefully punches another notch in his belt.  With every death on this earth, satan gloats. Why? Because every time someone dies, he hurts the heart of God. When the enemy hurts one of God’s children, it’s as if he plunged a knife into His heart. And I am not trying to be excessively dramatic, but God loves our children even more than we do. He feels our loss of them with every fiber of His being too.                   

I thought time would never pass, but finally it started to move slowly. Distant acquaintances, who caught up to us months later and realized that we had lost a child, naturally wanted to express their sympathy. But when they learned the cause of death, disbelief and then shame registered on their faces which made us ask ourselves, will it ever end?

 Sometimes suicide breaks up marriages and families. And friends keep a safe distance. Suicide is no more contagious than death from murder or cancer, but the very word causes people to draw back and keep to the fringes of our lives. Which makes me want to ask a question: has this happened to you? Please share your experience if you like.                                                    

Our lives will never be the same. One does not forget the crushing load of grief. The loss of someone dear leaves an aching hole in our hearts. Grief may be pushed into silence slowing down the healing. But healing does come. Agonizing suffering gradually slips into something more comfortable. We come to accept an understanding sorrow which may last a lifetime. Though pain will come and go in its intensity, the memories remain. They may be both bitter and sweet. And only eternity will erase the bitter memories forever.



2 thoughts on “More on . . . How it felt to lose my child

  1. Gracie ~
    Words could not better express the loss of a child by suicied.
    The statement that grabbed me here was ~ ” when someone hurts our heart it is like a knife has been plunged into Gods heart ”
    After all ~ each & every one of us are Gods child.
    This statement went from this page straight to my heart & it was received in the form of Gods’ comfort”

    • I am tempted to think “who wrote that” when I read those words again. So true. And I have yet to plumb the depths of this pain; like you it is never ending, but only by God’s grace do we survive it! Yes, it feels like a sink hole of pus, if I can be so blunt. But God never leaves us alone so He has to be waist high in this mess with us. I love that about Him!

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