My life has taken a terrible turn. Mor than ever, I need to have my ears tuned to hear only Your voice speaking to me, for I know not how or where to take the next step. We begin a unique journey together and if I did not have You walking beside me, and often holding me up, I would not make it. Our son’s death shocked our family to the core and changed us forever. I will never be the same . . . but I have You, and if I walk in Your circle of light, I will see the path clearly.
This is not an easy journey. Our son’s sudden death caused those of us who love him unspeakable pain. But I feel You, Lord, guiding me right into the eye of the storm of grief to face it head on, to write about it, and to be healed by Your mercy and grace.
And so we begin this journey together with excerpts from a letter I wrote to my son. I had so many things to say, and I could no longer speak to him on this earth, so I wrote:
We are witnessing the beautiful colors of fall and yet each day seems to drag by without my having the slightest interest or energy to absorb the beauty. Nearly every day I shed some tears, just remembering that we no longer have you. The pictures that come to my mind are still achingly painful. I have not yet been able to move back in time to more pleasant pictures of you.
We are surrounded by friends who care, and yet I feel terribly alone. I think about joining you, but I know how much grief your death has caused us. My death would increase the family’s pain and I can’t do that. I must trust God to take care of each one of us who remain. I must leave the dying to Him. He is the Author of life, not death, and I know that He grieves for you too.
Perhaps, son, you suffered deeply in your heart for years and had been unable to talk to anyone about those feelings. Perhaps the one you dared to trust, a girlfriend, ended up betraying you. She probably regrets many things.
We will never know why you took your life, not on this earth anyway. But we know that Jesus loves the crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18) and you were crushed in spirit. He cares for the brokenhearted and we are all heartbroken. We hope and pray that time will heal our hearts.
We will never forget you. I look forward to the day when we can meet again and never have to be separated. You will be in perfect health, no longer tormented by the enemy who probably tormented you for many years of your young life. It hurts not to have you in our lives, but at least you are in no more pain. You now rest until Jesus comes and He has marked your spot. He created you. He redeemed you with His blood and He is the only one who can wake you up when He returns.
I long to see you and talk with you again. This letter is a poor substitute. The only reminder we have on this earth is a small square in a cemetery nearby. We visit you often, but you don’t know we are there. I have a potted yellow mum sitting there now. It reminds me of the sunshine in your smile. I love you with all my heart, precious boy. You left us too soon.
Love you always, forget you never,
~from “Shattered by Suicide”