My cup is full to overflowing ~ full of anger, or maybe more like rage, I think. Rage at things, events, circumstances that I cannot control. I’ll pick one. My son died of his own choosing ~ no note, no warning, no good-byes. The pain has been torture . . . You know of my flowing tears, the anguish, the wishes to join him.
And if that weren’t enough, family turned their backs on us for decisions we chose to make . . . forced to make midst the grief of us all. Why, Lord? Who said we had to choose sides? This wasn’t supposed to be a contest to see who wins. All we, his parents and siblings, could do for him now was to bury him with as much dignity as possible . . . and some family members still turned away in anger. Unbelievable.
How dare we inconvenience them? How dare we make decisions without seeking their counsel? After all, they were family too and family has rights. Apparently parents and siblings did not have the right to make their own decisions. And these were dreadfully ugly, harsh, and difficult decisions to make! I would not wish having to do this on my worst enemy!
I have forgiven them and myself over and over and still there is more forgiving that needs to be done, I am sure. My cup is still full-to-overflowing with pain. Family members are unable to speak to us about our loss to help us all grieve together and perhaps help mend the shredded ties in our family fences.
I might describe it to be like a three-layer chocolate cake which looks luscious and mouth-watering, to say the least. But on the inside it is filled with poisonous pain . . . carefully covered up with a swirled perfection of creamy fudge frosting, “anger” frosting. The anger is a beautiful covering for all the pain hidden deep inside. That is what anger is ~ a covering for pain. Anger is really a secondary emotion; its how we naturally react to pain. Pain makes us vulnerable and we want to avoid being vulnerable. On the other hand, anger makes us feel in control, strong and capable. In our anger and pain, we look around to blame someone . . . to rid ourselves of the suffocating guilt and pain.
Lord, please forgive me today for all the bitterness and anger that still rears its ugly head in my broken heart. Perhaps family are still blinded to the truth? Whatever it be, if they never speak to me about my son ever again while on this earth, I pray that You will being us together for a fresh start in heaven. A brand new start with brand new hearts? Worth dreaming about. Worth praying for.
~ from “Shattered by Suicide: My Conversations with God After the Tragic Death of My Son”