To the Brink . . . and Back

English: Baby Fulmars on the cliff edge

cliff edge (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Jesus was taken into the wild by the Spirit for the test. The devil was ready to give it . . .

For the second test the devil took Him to the Holy City. He sat Him on top of the Temple and said, “Since You are God‘s Son, jump.”

The devil goaded Him by quoting Psalm 91: “He has placed You in the care of angels. They will catch You so that You won’t so much as stub Your toe on a stone.”

Jesus countered with another citation from Deuteronomy: “Don’t you dare test the Lord your God.”  Matthew 4:1, 5-7, MSG

It was hard those first few months after our son’s death to even think of a reason to leave the house. I didn’t want to go anywhere, but I didn’t want to stay either. I felt myself falling, falling into nothingness . . . with no way to get my bearings . . . and I didn’t care.

But after some time passed we finally took the opportunity to get away. The exercise and fresh air did us both good. As my eyes gazed upward into the deep blue sky and rugged ridges of the hills around us, I felt God’s Presence in a way I had not felt it in a long time. I could begin to relax and trust Him; ready and willing to listen in case He spoke to my barren soul.

One early morning, I was walking alone. I had ventured higher than I had before, leaning in and digging my toes in the loose gravel to keep my footing on the steep climb. I paused to catch my breath, sucking in deep droughts of crisp, clean air. The woods were thick and hard for my eyes to penetrate, but in them were sure to be eyes looking back at me . . . wild ones. This was God’s country where wild animals roamed freely in their habitat. I was very much aware that I was stepping into their domain, so being alone, I thought I should turn back and head down the trail.

Going down was easier, but still I had to proceed cautiously in the sift dirt mixed with gravel under my feet. Rounding the bend, I could look down off a ridge and my tummy did a flip-flop as I realized how far up I had climbed. And just at that moment, a voice spoke clearly in my head, “Go ahead, jump. You can end your misery right now and join him. No one will know . . . and they won’t find your body for days.”

“Do it!”

Stunned, I sucked in my breath and couldn’t let it out for a few seconds as my mind whirled, trying to comprehend what I had just heard. Certainly God wouldn’t say such a thing . . . so it had to be . . . satan! Yes! It must have been satan goading me to end my life and stop the pain!

When I felt strength return to my legs, I hurried back down to my husband and safety. That was a strong directive, and I realized then and there that the enemy would never leave us alone. He had taken one of our precious children, but he wouldn’t stop there. He would take anyone else too and will continue to try . . . not only in our family, but in yours, too!

Jesus refusal was curt: “Beat it, satan!”

He backed His rebuke with a third quotation from Deuteronomy: Worship the Lord Your God, and only Him. Serve Him with absolute single-heartedness. The Test was over. The devil left. And in his place, angels! Angels came and took care of Jesus’ needs.  Matthew 4:10-11, MSG

Shattered by Suicide, My Conversations with God after the Tragic Death of My Son”


2 thoughts on “To the Brink . . . and Back

  1. I too was to this place.. Where I did not care anymore.. I wanted to see my baby and the pain to go away.. I had a whole handful of pills in my hand when God intervened and a friend called.. It was then I realized I could not do this to her or to my family.. Irregardless of what I felt, I could not do this to them.. I needed help.. And got it when I was honest with what was about to transpire.. So glad God lays people on our hearts to call or reach out to when they are in the darkest time of their lives.. We may be saving their lives if we do as God has asked us to do..

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