DRAFT – work over to repost -“Surviving the Stigma” need to copy to new page

62.365 i know it hurts to feel so all alone, ...

I know it hurts to feel so all alone      (Photo credit: ashley rose,)

I am scorned by all my enemies and despised by my neighbors ~ even my friends are afraid to come near me. When they see me on the street, they run the other way.  Psalm 31:11

I know David is writing about his personal enemies . . . and I never thought I had enemies and perhaps I don’t, but there are days when I feel just like David. It seems that every person I meet runs the other direction.

Society may show more understanding and acceptance than it did in previous generations, but we still feel sort of contagious. There lingers a stigma about suicidal death. Perhaps there also lingers the “stench” of death causing doors to shut, blinds pulled and strict adherence to social codes and comfort zones. Am I meddling a little?

Not only have we lost our son to a tragic death, but we have also lost family, friends, and acquaintances. Family members disagreed with our choices and chose to step outside the family circle ~ maybe due to their sorrow and confusion, but what about our sorrow? We lost our son! Our youngest lost his only brother! Why blame the parents? Why blame anyone at such an awful time?

I lost my precious son. The grave swallowed him up. All that remains is grief, pain, suffering, sorrow, and now we are forced to face guilt and shame? Yes! Shame for the way he died. It’s as if the enemy, through familiar voices, shouts at us:

Shame on you for allowing this to happen! Why weren’t you more watchful? Couldn’t you see that he was about to snap? Why didn’t you call in the professionals? Don’t you know the grave does not release those who kill themselves? How could you embarrass us this way? You are no longer welcome in our family. Stay away!

Waves of pain roll over me as I write these words. Remembering puts a bitter taste in my mouth and brings tears to my eyes. How could family members ever treat grief-stricken parents and siblings this way? It’s unthinkable, but it happened and it happens to others too.

It’s as if satan squeezed the life out of our child and then went on the war path to bring anger and bitterness into everyone who should have been there to comfort us in our time of sorrow.

Lord, thank You for allowing me to vent these wretched feelings to You. Only You can take them away forever. I have forgiven those who hurt us and I choose to continue to forgive them . . . the pain and disbelief of it all runs deep. I am not responsible for anyone else’s well-being. However, I must respect their disapproval and keep a safe distance out of respect for their wishes. But I am curious.

Are we all going to live in the same neighborhood in heaven? Will we attempt to take our hard feelings with us so we can continue to debate who was right and who was wrong? What matters to our tight, little family is that our son will soon rise to meet His Creator, no matter what others may say! And when we see him in the air, we will join him! We will be ecstatic with joy! Our sons are together again!

Our earthly family will be recreated in the twinkling of an eye! We will be hugging each other and our God and King who made it all possible, and that will be enough for us. Just being together again in a perfect heaven.

God, You are an awesome Friend and Teacher. It is amazing how You listen without condemnation and You love unconditionally. May we be willing to follow Your example. And please come soon. I love and trust You so much. Thank You for being my Everything.

And the ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion with singing, and everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain joy and gladness, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.  Isaiah 35:10

~from Shattered by Suicide, My Conversations with God after the Tragic Death of My Son

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4 thoughts on “DRAFT – work over to repost -“Surviving the Stigma” need to copy to new page

  1. Oh Gracie, the tears are rolling as I read this for I too lost so many after Ash died. I supposedly knew what she was doing and overlooked it. I supposedly knew she was struggling and let it go. People do not go to Heaven if they kill themselves.. The list goes on and on.. I finally blew.. How dare you come to MY house and say all this.. Please leave.. I have lost part of me.. And you have the audacity to come say that?? There is such a stigma to this.. Still to this day.. But ya know what?? I do not care anymore.. YES, my only child killed herself because of the pain she was in.. I am here to help others on this horrid road.. To point them to Jesus.. Cause without Him they will NOT survive.. if ONE is saved or changed because I helped them, then it will be worth it all.. Through it all God has DRASTICALLY changed me.. So for that I am thankful

    • Me too, Girlfriend. It’s a tough gig and not for sissies. When the bunnies scatter, take shelter. They obviously spot bigger prey and hide. Hmmm. Just what does this mean, Lord? Perhaps those who leave are more afraid of our influence on the negativity level we might cast in their lives when they would rather stay submerged in reality-tv-type living. It is scary to go deep, get real with someone who has felt bottom in the existence of this life thru the shock of suicide and loss. In some ways it gives us the advantage. If they have not been thru a crucible yet, they will sometime ahead. We have already begun to trust the God of heaven for all things, not just some things. After death I realized that I wanted truth only and the only source of truth that I choose to trust is God’s Word.

  2. I can feel the pain of your loss as I read this post. The stigma associated with suicide certainly seems to be diminishing a bit, here in Ireland, at any rate and not a moment too soon.
    As a non-religious person, I suppose I find it difficult empathise with your views but everyone has their own beliefs and I wish I could send you the lovely peach rose that bloomed in my garden today with its sweet fragrance to show a hand of comfort across the miles from Ireland.

    • Awww, such a beautiful response, Jean. The stigma is a touch issue and it is naturally a sensitive one. What a lovely rose and yes, please mail it to me! Too bad it would not arrive like you “scent” it. So I shall enjoy the thought. I hope to hear from you again and often. Feel free to share your views too. Love from Ohio.

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