Is Anyone Listening?

As free as the clouds in the night sky

(Photo credit: Images by John ‘K’)

Where are You, God? My mind says that You are in my heart, but my heart is not so sure. So much bad stuff happens with so little good stuff to balance the scale.

I look up at the moon and stars in the clear, night sky and wonder about the vastness of space. Are You out there, God?

Sometimes I feel like a lonely child with her face pressed against the glass. She’s not allowed to go outside, but the bustling activity going on out there looks so inviting.

I am that little girl trapped inside the house, which feels like it has become my prison. I can only admire the outside world with my face pressed against the glass.

Do you see that lonely, little girl, God? When will she ever be free to explore, to love, to be herself? Will she grow up trapped in a cycle of being what everyone else expects her to be? Or will she fly free?

The child in me cries out, and for what, she’s not even sure. She can’t seem to give her inner words a voice. Will You give them a voice, God?

It feels like I am always waiting, always wondering, always hoping You are leading. But You are so quiet, so like the dark, immensity of space in which I am but a speck.

God, please teach my heart what my head understands – and my heart will follow Your lead. And by Your power, I will fly free!

~from Shattered by Suicide, My Conversations with God after the Tragic Death of My Son

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4 thoughts on “Is Anyone Listening?

  1. When I found my daughter hanging in my basement, dead. I asked my sister the same question “Where was God?”. Very wisely, she told me He was in the basement with her. He was there to catch her as she fell. He gathered her broken mind, heart and soul and whisked her away to paradise. There she knows no pain, no fear, none of the darkness that brought her to that point. Now she knows only love and light. And this counsel saved my mind. If I thought any other thing, I would have gone insane with pain by now.

    That place in my basement has become a sacred place. It is where heaven touched earth.

    • O how my heart knows your pain and indeed, I was told the same thing. You have a very wise and supportive sister. Since the Bible says that God never leaves or forsakes us, then he would be there, wouldn’t he? There is peace where our children are. Mine is resting in the grave until Jesus calls from the clouds when he returns and I am expecting my son’s grave to burst open as he takes to the skies where we will be reunited, according to what I read in scripture. Either way, our children are no longer in the pain that held them as prisoners for so long. Blessings in your journey and please, don’t be a stranger. I love responding to comments. Makes this feel more “alive” and purposeful.

      ~Gracie

      • I think telling our story. Reaching out and lending support, is our purpose. Without that, what was our child’s death for? I continue Elizabeth’s story by talking about her, meeting people and joining their journey for awhile. I miss her terribly, but hearing her name, remembering her life makes me happy. I keep her love alive in my my heart, and that love grows stronger as I share it with others. Thank you for allowing me to do this today. Makes me smile.

      • I agree! In fact, as God was leading me to journal which eventually became a book, I felt Him empress on my heart that my son’s death was not in vain and that He wanted me to reach out to help others shocked senseless by needless tragedy. Thank you for doing likewise. Let’s keep in touch as we are in a journey of a lifetime. Your response made me smile too :).

        In His Grip,
        ~Gracie

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