Where are You, God? My mind says that You are in my heart, but my heart is not so sure. So much bad stuff happens with so little good stuff to balance the scale.
I look up at the moon and stars in the clear, night sky and wonder about the vastness of space. Are You out there, God?
Sometimes I feel like a lonely child with her face pressed against the glass. She’s not allowed to go outside, but the bustling activity going on out there looks so inviting.
I am that little girl trapped inside the house, which feels like it has become my prison. I can only admire the outside world with my face pressed against the glass.
Do you see that lonely, little girl, God? When will she ever be free to explore, to love, to be herself? Will she grow up trapped in a cycle of being what everyone else expects her to be? Or will she fly free?
The child in me cries out, and for what, she’s not even sure. She can’t seem to give her inner words a voice. Will You give them a voice, God?
It feels like I am always waiting, always wondering, always hoping You are leading. But You are so quiet, so like the dark, immensity of space in which I am but a speck.
God, please teach my heart what my head understands – and my heart will follow Your lead. And by Your power, I will fly free!
~from Shattered by Suicide, My Conversations with God after the Tragic Death of My Son