We all have “why” questions, don’t we? I have posted this page from my book previously, but I reason that there are always new readers. There will always be someone who will read this for the first time or for a second time and be touched by the heart of God. Loss is hard. We all experience loss in one way or another. Pain is pain, as they say, and I agree. Whatever tops your list of pain will be the worst at this point in your life experience. You cannot compare yours with another, but you will find similarities which will give you the opportunity to journey beside someone else who understands how you feel. The picture is not intended for advertising; I just note that someone else is asking the same question, “Why me?”
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Remember my prayer, Lord? Save my children at all cost? I never thought praying that prayer would lead to death. But that’s what happened. We buried one of our children ~ Your child. Out of my tears and agony I sobbed, “Why me , Lord. Why? He had his whole life before him. Why now, when it seemed he was lingering in the valley of indecision?”
Silence. No answer came. We slogged on, picking up the pieces as best we could. Life is for the living, but we were barely surviving. As bad as our pain has been, would we wish this gnawing grief on anyone else? The answer had to be, “No.” So should my question instead be, “Why not me?”
“But is that all the time we get with him, Lord?” I implored. “Sorry, but it wasn’t long enough, not even close.”
I pause and take a look back . . . I was a self-sufficient Christian then, but no longer. My heart shattered that day into confetti-like bits of flesh and I fell on my face begging God to extend His mercy. Who else could understand my wailing and tears? Are You listening, Lord?”
Long, long ago before Adam and Eve were created, the heavenly council met somewhere in the heavens. There had to be a back-up plan ~ just in case the humans God was going to design, would choose to follow a different path. Who could do the job? Who would willingly volunteer to give His life to pay the ultimate price for sin?
Jesus pushed His chair back from the table and stood up. “I’ll do it, Father,” He said. “If sin demands blood, then let My blood pay the ransom.” And it was done. Council adjourned.
Fast forward about four thousand years to the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus is on His face, begging His Father for mercy. “Father, if possible, let there be another way, but if not, I will keep the promise I made long ago. They are worth every drop of blood I shed for them.”
So my question must be, “Why not me?”
Fast forward to the present. The scene is full of indescribable pain as parents, siblings, and friends say “good-bye” to a son, brother, and friend they loved so much. But we weren’t alone in our grief and pain. We were wrapped in the loving arms of Jesus, while He gently wiped away the tears from our eyes with His nail-scarred hands.
“It won’t be long,” He whispered softly. “Soon I will come and raise him up and you will have all eternity together. Please hold on to My promises. Please try to comprehend that He had been in terrible pain for so long. The enemy took pleasure in harassing him. His grip on life . . . and on Me were getting weaker. I could not bear to watch satan make fun of him any longer. It was time to let him take a nap. He’s safe, at peace, and I have the best part of him ~ his DNA. So don’t worry. He will be so much better than you ever remembered. His face will be lit with the glory of His Heavenly Father and you will recognize his beautiful, blue eyes and his cute little chuckle when he laughs. I made him once . . . I can make him again.
Yes, My Child, you are right when you could finally ask, “Why not me?” I couldn’t stand his pain . . . and yours hurts Me too, but we have each other. And you will continue to grow in My love and understanding. There are many who need to hear your story. They are everywhere ~ trying to bear their terrible grief in silence, guilt, embarrassment and shame. They need to hear from your lips ~ your story. They need to hear about the Love that never lets you go.”
~ shared from Shattered by Suicide, My Conversations with God after the Tragic Death of My Son