“It’s Not About Me”

I’m but a droplet in this ocean called life . . .

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It’s not about me, Lord, it never has been. But it is tough to come to grips with the fact that I am not in charge of my own life.

I am not in charge of my children’s lives either. I can control nothing but my own choices and even then, I need all the help You give me.

It was not until our son passed away that I realized how little control I have. I could not prevent his death . . . and neither could anyone else except You. To be honest, it hurts that You could have stopped his death, but You didn’t.

I would have prevented it if I could have, so why didn’t You when Your love is even greater than mine?

It was when I began to search Your Word for answers that my eyes fell on a verse that had never made much sense . . . until now:

“Just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so My ways are higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts.”  Isaiah 55:9

When I read this verse, I had to bow in submission to the One who is greater than I.

Though I will never understand, this side of heaven, why You chose to let my son die, I choose to accept Your Word as truth and trust that You know what You are doing and always have our best interest in Your heart.

We miss him terribly and we will until our own eyes close in death. But You, Lord, see from beginning to end and through the eyes of eternity. Time on this earth is short in comparison to the length of eternal life.

So I will continue to trust Your plan and choices, Lord. Yes, I choose to trust in Your unfailing love . . . and love You back.

~shared from Shattered by Suicide, My Conversations With God After the Tragic Death of My  Son

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10 thoughts on ““It’s Not About Me”

  1. Found this blog by accident but glad I did .. As I lost my 16 year old son Ryan six years ago and it’s been a long journey a lot like a roller coaster of emotions … Faith and people whom are along with me on this difficult journey have brought me this far… Xo

    • Welcome to the “family” Lori. I’d like to think that you did not find this site by accident since God is in this mess with us. I am so sorry you lost your sweet 16 year old Ryan. It is a long, wild ride, I agree! I know God promises to never leave us and I know He keeps His word, so it must be He who brings people along side “with skin on” to hold us up and lead us along. I have found that God is in our cyber world too. He has sent many friends along the way including you! Please visit often and check out the archives. There may be pieces here and there that God will use to feed your heart and help you grow. My arms are around you, fellow traveler. We will journey together. ~Gracie

      • Thanks for your kind words and support Gracie you are right there are no coincidences and although I found this blog by supposed accident that was The Lord working anonymously.. Can’t wait to read your book.. May God bless and keep you and all parents who have lost their children..

      • Yes, Lori, God cares about all His kids of all ages. He does not destroy; it is the enemy who destroys and breaks the heart of God. In this pea-sized planet, He still sees and cares about our joys and our sorrows. I am privileged to have met you and you are right, it is God who brings us together. He knows we need comfort from someone who is surviving the same pain. One day at a time, dear friend. ~Gracie

  2. I lost my 16 year old son Ryan six years ago to suicide I found this by accident this page but I am glad I did very nice to hear others that are going thru the same thing not glad I have met you this way but reassuring that I am not alone in this long difficult journey.. I pray for the lords strength to guide us until we are with our children once again.. Xo

  3. This blog was perfect…..It will be 14 years this August since my son died by suicide…he died the month after he turned 16….soon he will have been dead longer than he lived. 😦

    • I am so sorry you lost your precious son, Brenda. There are probably days when it seems like it just happened. So young. So innocent. Mine has been gone almost 9 years and he would have turned 40 this summer. We never forget and keep them close in our hearts. I am glad this blog meant something to you. Reaching out to others who understand this awful pain is somehow therapeutic. May you find comfort in God’s blessings today. Please write again.

  4. I ran across your blog today and immediately knew God wanted me to find it tonight. On Tuesday, April 29th it will be one year since my oldest son took his life. This past year has been the toughest of my life, but I too will continue to trust in His plan. I can’t wait to read your book!

    • Oh, dear friend, I am so sorry! One precious, horrid year! I trust God to hold your hand and heart as you round the memory for your first year marker. I face those every August and I’d like to tell you it gets easier, but I cannot. Somehow the days before and after get easier to bear only by God’s amazing grace. But the date stands alone to remind us that our precious child is out of reach. As sad as this day is, we can cling to hope that we will be reunited soon and forever this time. Never will we have to say goodbye again. May I ask for permission to have a little of your personal information at my private email? If so, please write me at: impossiblejoy@yahoo.com. I know how lonely that day can be and I don’t want you to ever feel alone. I care.

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