But that night as the workers slept, his enemy came and planted weeds among the wheat, then slipped away. Matthew 13:25
Dear Readers: Regardless of what you may steadfastly believe, you did not cause the death of your child no matter what mistakes you feel you made. Period. I know the internal struggle to believe otherwise; it plagued me, too, but there is no truth in it. Long term guilt compounds the pain and makes one’s grief journey all the more difficult, so let’s tackle this intruder together.
Thoughts of guilt are like weeds in the wheat field of your mind.
In this age of computer savvy, let’s look at guilt through the lens of technology. Touch your “mind” computer screen. Spread the picture you have of guilt until it is magnified, bringing every detail into sharp focus. Look at it from every angle, then send this reflection to the trash bin, removing it from your present thoughts. Don’t forget to ask your higher power to dump the bin!
It is good to be reminded that our journey is a “grief” journey, not a “guilt” journey.
Unfortunately, guilt and blame will come again. They will visit your mind often during the early years of your grief journey. Just a gentle reminder here: your journey is a “grief” journey, not a “guilt” journey. Grief may be a permanent fixture, but it can be kept in perspective. It does not have to run your life. To keep grief front and center in your life may be important in that it keeps you linked to the events that took your child from you . . . but there are healthier links.
“Erase and replace” is an example of a healthy link. Please ask God or your higher power to erase the guilt when you are tired of carrying it. Then choose to replace it with a good memory of your child.
If you don’t like the “technology analogy,” how about a bovine one? What if one were to see guilt and blame as things we can chew on, like cows chewing their cud. “Burp and chew” is as natural a process for cattle as “reflecting on guilt” is for a grieving parent. The mind naturally needs to process every detail of tragic loss, and likely repeat the process over and over. You aren’t going backwards when you do; you are healing, slowly and surely.
Guilt is not glue. It will never mend a broken heart.
Reflecting on the events leading up to tragedy is imperative, but remember to delete the day’s review of guilt and blame when you are finished. “Chew and spew,” as it were. Chew on a “bite” of guilt as long as your mind needs to process, but, unlike the cow, don’t swallow. Spit it out. Flush it away. Until one has healed enough, there will always be more guilt to reflect on, delete, and repeat for some time to come.
In my experience along my own grief journey, there came a time when guilt no longer plagued my daily thoughts, freeing me from its control, but first I had to learn to delete the daily guilty thoughts, not file them away for future reference. This is not to imply that I never feel guilt anymore, but over the years I finally realized that it was not healthy to keep it “on the menu” in my thoughts.
Put guilt on a diet, a starvation diet, or it can mar your grief journey, in a sense, and eat you alive.
I believe it was a sign of healing when I no longer felt a sense of panic after I deleted a negative thought. It’s your mind. You may choose to “chew and swallow,” but if you do, you will continue to face the same thoughts of guilt over and over.
Where did guilt originate? It was in the Garden of Eden through the sin of our first parents, not from divine design. When Adam and Eve experienced guilt for the first time, the reaction was to hide from their Creator. (see Genesis 3:8)
The subconscious mind can be a storehouse for guilt; therefore, the enemy will always work to bring negative, guilty thoughts to our conscious minds. These thoughts are never from God, who is always willing to erase them when we ask.
There is a theme to these thoughts ~ it’s guilt, guilt, and more guilt. Based on my personal experience after losing my firstborn to suicide, guilt is not glue. It will never mend a broken heart.
I believe that guilt is not from God, but from the enemy who wants us to blame God as much as possible and particularly with the death of our children. Satan is brilliant at planting “weeds” of guilt in the mind.
The farmer’s workers went to him and said, “Sir, the field where you planted that good seed is full of weeds! Where did they come from?” “An enemy has done this!” the farmer exclaimed. Matthew 13:27-28
Verses shared from the New Living Translation (NLT)